An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."
The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

Bubba, an airline mechanic, was bragging to his boss one day. "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name Someone, Anyone and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "Okay, Bubba, how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends and I can prove it."
So, Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba ! Great to see You! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Bush," his Boss quickly retorts.
Yep", Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
So, off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise. I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
The new Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Bubba. "I've known the Pope a long time."
So, off they fly to Rome.
Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, this will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards, so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
He disappears into the crowd headed toward St. Peter's.
Sure enough, half an hour later, Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his Boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and The Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?

A man who just died is delivered to a Kentucky mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. Bubba the mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look very good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives Bubba a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day for the viewing. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to Bubba, 'Whatever the cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did
you spend?' To her astonishment, Bubba presents her with the blank check.
'Dere's no charge,' he says.
'No, really, I must pay you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am, Bubba says, 'it didn't cost me a thing'.
You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his missus if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So, I just switched the heads.'

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day...
While they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

" The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him... I am so sorry,... but he's dead."

Edna replied... "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

A elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?
"The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis. A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed
her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest
nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he
stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father,
remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the
convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at
the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find
glory."

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might
miss a great opportunity.

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was
so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a
large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay
there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how
warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to
sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird d singing
and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your
friend
(3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

Many people are travelling on a plane........Over the Atlantic the plane loses power......The captain announces "We're losing altitide so we are going to have to throw out the luggage". The passengers agree and all the luggage is thrown out. After a few minutes they lose a second engine, the captain announces "We have just lost another engine...we have to throw out the cabin baggage". So the cabin baggage is also thrown out. Just five minutes later a third engine blows out. The captain announces "We are close to land people, but we have to throw out some passengers too". There is an uproar in the cabin. Undaunted the captain continues "Passengers will be thrown out in alphabetical order. A- any asians on board??... no? B - any blacks on board??....no......." Suddenly a little black boy asks his father "Dad, what are we??" His dad replies "Tonight son, we are Zulus................."